You never know what someone is going through

Have you ever thought about the person you pass on the street? Or the person you're behind in line at the store? Are they smiling? Do they look like they're having a good day? Are there tears stained on their cheeks? Everyone's going through some kind of battle, whether they show it or not. 

Maybe it's the situation that I'm going through with my husband right now, but I try to think about the other person and what they're going through before I react to any kind of situation. I would want someone to extend me the same courtesy. I've been a little more of a hermit than usual lately. Just so much going on with getting ready to have the baby (possibly any day now), taking care of two little boys already, taking care of a husband who was diagnosed with a brain tumor, waiting for doctors to get on the ball and call us with a plan, not to mention the holidays are here. My family is trying to come visit for the holidays and the baby but they aren't setting any dates because honestly, we don't have any official dates. Both of my boys have just come whenever they've felt like it... neither of them waited til their due date. So while we could wait til the due date to set a plan, more than likely it be thrown up in the air by whatever this little one decides. I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted. I know it must be showing to anyone I pass. I may not smile as much as I used to, although I try. I may space out more than normal. I may not seem as friendly, it's not anything personal. It's just what is going through my mind lately. 

The point of this post is to think more of the person you're interacting with, and realize that there may be more to their life than you know. To anyone I come across in the next few weeks, please be patient with me. I'm the same person and try to be as friendly as before, I'm just dealing with a lot.

Just remember, it's the tumor talking...

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've come back here a few times and typed out long entries updating everything, but then I usually delete them. To be honest, there hasn't been much of an update. We're still playing the wait and see game. The MRIs from Japan are almost to his neurosurgeon's office and then we'll hear what the plan is. The meds are taking a toll on him. His neurologist explained the side effects of his medication when he prescribed them. He said there's a 1% chance of his attitude being affected. He could become volatile, easily angered, just different. It could be the medication, or it could be the tumor. My husband had joked about how with just our luck, he'd be the 1%. The neurologist said he's honestly only seen it happen to one patient. Well, with our luck, he is the 1%. The medications have changed him.

The man I married was such a happy guy. He would make friends with anyone and joke about anything. He'd never get angry, and his fuse was SOOO long. He hated confrontation and would just ignore a situation if he knew it would lead to a confrontation. The medications have changed all of it. His fuse is practically non existent. Going out in public and dealing with crowds has become a chore. It is almost as if he has lost his filter. Whatever comes to his mind, he will say.. nice or not. I feel like I have to apologize to strangers sometimes. He will just laugh it off and say, "it's my tumor talking.." but they don't know that. That's probably been the hardest part.

In other news, 5 weeks from today (at the latest) we will be welcoming our 3rd little man into this world. My c section has been scheduled! Everyone believes he will be here before then, but I'm determined to hold him in as long as possible. With everything going on in our lives right now, I need something to stay on schedule. So many uncertainties right now, I am counting on my little guy to be the one I can count on to just stay put until necessary.  If you pray, please send some our way...

It's been a long time.... (warning: graphic)

       Wow. I can't even remember the last time I posted. I'm not sure what's bringing me back here, but I feel a strong pulling. Maybe it's because life has taken such an unexpected twist and I'm not quite sure how to process everything. I know no one will read this, but it does make me feel a little better to put my feelings out there instead of storing them inside. Now, I'll explain a little more...

      Last Friday night, the 18th, I was getting into bed. I had a bad feeling that something was going to happen. My husband is one of "those" people that loves to do things that are dangerous. He finished a Tough Mudder earlier this year. Sure, doesn't seem dangerous, except that the one he completed, there was a death. In the group after his. For some reason that's always made me feel uneasy about him doing it again. He just lives for that thrill though. He was signed up to do another one, in the same area, that next morning. I remember looking at him and telling him to be safe and not to get hurt. I think that was the last thing I said to him after I kissed him goodnight and told him I loved him. I was very nervous and couldn't shake the uneasy feeling. Now, I know why.

      Around 4:15-4:20 am, a strange sound woke me up. I looked over beyond my pregnancy pillow and saw him convulsing. The sounds that same were scary enough. Sounds that he couldn't breathe. The look on his face that he just wasn't there. His whole body shaking. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. So early in the morning that I was having a hard time comprehending what was going on. I grabbed him and said his name a few times, asking, begging him to just wake up. Telling him that if it was a joke, it wasn't funny. I pleaded for him to stop and look at me. "Please don't leave me" I remember crying as I grabbed his shaking body. I could tell he couldn't breathe. I've seen someone have a seizure before, but it wasn't that violent. My sister had one when I was 10 and I remembered they said not to hold her down. I had to do something though. His mouth was filling, so I turned him on his side. Next thing I know, blood was pouring out. A sight I will never forget is holding him on his side and watching as blood and foam stream down the side of his face. I cried, with everything in me, I wanted this to be nothing but a nightmare. I stumbled and grabbed my phone (still unsure of when I turned on the lamp so I could see everything, but somehow it was on).. When he stopped, his body laid there and it didn't seem real. He was snoring louder than ever and his body jerked with every snore. I called 911 and begged him to just look at me. Please, just wake up. Nothing.

      I was a nervous wreck when the dispatcher answered. I told her I thought my husband just had a seizure. Gave her all our information, listened to the instructions to turn on the lights and unlock the door so the EMTs could enter. Then they hung up. I was in shock. His eyes opened, yet, he wasn't there. He just stared at me with this blank stare. I wasn't even sure if he was really seeing me. I begged him to just say something and nothing followed. I called my mom to inform someone. Not sure what she could do from 20 hours away, but I needed to talk to someone. Then, reality hit. My youngest son cried. I looked into the hall and he was making his way to me. I picked him up and he immediately stopped. I have no idea how he and his brother slept through all that. I know I was screaming before, crying, definitely not quiet at all, and yet, God kept them asleep. I will never know how they did it, but I'm so thankful they slept. I can only imagine what that sight would've done to them. I carried him around as I talked to my mom. He stayed very quiet, but wide awake. 18 months old and it's the first time I've seen him like that in the middle of the night. I had to set him down so I could finish getting dressed before the EMTs arrived. I put him at the foot of the bed and he looked at his dad. He whimpered and then climbed off and backed himself up against my dresser, just staring at his father. It's like he knew he wasn't really there. I grabbed some clothes and quickly changed out of my pajamas. I told my mother to call my best friend and ask her to come watch my boys so I could be with him when they took him. I never thought she'd get here on time.

       Next thing I know, I hear banging on the door. The firemen start filing in and fill my bedroom. Asking all the questions I'm sure they ask everyone. Then, they try waking him. He opened his eyes for a few minutes but then grabbed the blankets and rolled over to go back to sleep. They tried taking his blood pressure and he just kept pushing the cuff off his arm. One of them pricked his finger for a blood sample and he brought his fist back like he was going to fight him. The next 20 minutes flew by as I talked to one Fireman about what hospital he's going to and I begged them to wait for my friend to show up so I could go with them. I got the directions just in case they left before I could. My son was still on my hip, being very quiet and calm the whole time. I threw some things in a bag just in case I'd be stuck at the hospital longer than expected. I got downstairs and they were all gone. I called my best friend and she said she was pulling into the parking lot and she'd watch my boys so I could go. I went outside and saw the ambulance still there. I went to the right and met with her and handed my youngest over. Then I ran (7 months pregnant) down the sidewalk in the opposite directions to the ambulance. 

      I hopped in the front seat just in time for them to leave. I called my mom on the way and explained what was going on. Before I knew it we were at the hospital. I was told to go into the front door while they took him back. I was still in shock. How could this be happening. I made my way to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. They told me to wait a few minutes before asking for him. I tried to just keep myself occupied. I couldn't do it. I lasted all of 2 minutes before walking up to the desk and asking for my husband. Before I knew it I was being walked back to see him. He was awake, but was confused. I listened as the doctors asked him questions and saw the struggle on his face when he couldn't even remember what year it was. Slowly I started to see him come back. As scared as I was, I was just relieved. He was back. The whole day was a blur as he went through a CT scan, then an MRI. We were told they found something on his brain. Then, they released us to go home with the instructions that he had to check in with a neurologist and a neurosurgeon. The next week flew by. Doctors appointments filled our week. We've received some pretty scary news this week. He has a tumor in his brain. It's what caused his seizure. He's on anti seizure meds. He can't drive for at least 6 months. The neurosurgeon wants scans every 3,6, and 12 months to keep an eye on the tumor. However, the neurologist wants this handled within 3-6 months. His future with the Navy is up in the air. He's back at work right now, but we don't know what the future holds. The tumor is in an area that could affect his personality and language skills. So he could turn into a completely different person. No matter what the future holds, I know we can face it together. 

     So now everything's up in the air. He could be having a craniotomy in the next few months. I will definitely be having another baby within the next 10 weeks. Once I do, I won't be able to drive for at least 6 weeks, so who knows how we'll be able to get around. So please, keep us in your prayers. I know we'll be alright, I'd just like to know how this will work out. 

     So maybe that's why I am typing all this out now. So in a few months when we're getting past all this, I can look back and see just how scary it was when it all began. I can be amazed at how everything worked out even though I couldn't see it. No matter what though, I will always be thankful that it happened when it did. If it had happened a month earlier, he would've been alone. Who knows how that would've gone.. no one to turn him over or call for help. If it had happened later that morning, he could've been on the obstacle course. Who knows how that would've worked out. God works in great ways. I'm sorry it had to happen, but now we know there's something in his brain that needs to be fixed. I'll try to keep updating a little more frequently. I know I'd like to have it as a reference when this is all over.   Just in case someone did read ALL of this, thank you. I'm sure it wasn't an easy read, as it wasn't easy to type out. But the fact that someone managed to get all the way through it, I appreciate it.

Bathroom Cheerleader

"While potty training your kids, you find yourself becoming a cheerleader for properly placed bowel movements!"

My oldest is in the final stages of potty training. He initiated it, but in order to keep the process going, we've had to get creative. So for now, he gets a small piece of chocolate every time he goes potty. It works for us. He hasn't had an accident in 4 days. Not only that, but he's successfully been in undies for 2 days. That includes trips to the store, church, beach, etc. I'm really proud of him. It's funny how things change as you get older. 

There once was a time that you could find me on the sidelines of a baseball, football or basketball game, cheering on my loved ones. I've cheered my husband on at races. I've been at talent shows and rooted for friends. This is the first time in my life that I've cheered and celebrated a bowel movement. We've gone all out for him. He has a potty dance, we've sang for him, high fives, pats on the backs, etc. Priorities have changed. Parenthood changes everything. Being a mom means becoming the family cheerleader. I have yet to miss one of my husband's flag football games. I've made it to *almost all* of his softball games. If I've missed, it's been due to a complication with the kids. I cheered for my son when he first learned to sit up on his own, crawl and walk. It's the little things that make me happy now. It's seeing the smile on his face when he realizes that he's done something big and I'm proud of him. 

This morning he woke up and had to go potty. After his turn on the toilet, he proceeded to cheer for me when I had to pee. It's a great feeling to see someone dance around the room and yell "Yay Pee Pee!". Haha, I can see why he likes it. 

You'll see me on those sidelines again, cheering for baseball, football and basketball teams. It'll be when my kids take the field. For now, you can find me in the bathroom cheering on a 2 year old while he grimaces and focuses on his task at hand. 

Parenthood

“No one is ever quite ready; everyone is always caught off guard. Parenthood chooses you. And you open your eyes, look at what you've got, say "Oh, my gosh," and recognize that of all the balls there ever were, this is the one you should not drop. It's not a question of choice.”
― Marisa de los Santos, Love Walked In

All my life I wanted to be a mom. I was lucky to get that experience for the first time in March, 2010. My oldest son was born in a small Japanese "hospital". My husband was stationed in Japan at the time, so that's where he was born. The funniest part of it all is that he looks Japanese, even though he's not. He's the spitting image of his father, who is not Asian. He's the light of my life. We have a daily emotional roller coaster full of accomplishments and temper tantrums. That's what happens when you're two. It's a year full of "No." "Don't touch that." "Please don't throw a ball at your brother's head." My son is learning his boundaries, which can get exhausting. I don't know who lives for nap time more -- me or him. X (My son), is in the process of being potty trained. It's not something being pushed on him. He has fully initiated the process. He woke up in the middle of the night and told us he had to go. It was amazing how it just clicked. He was accident free for the first two weeks. I couldn't believe it! Then we had a problem with our house and we had to move. Since then he's decided that he's done with going on the potty. So back to the diapers we went. It's perfectly fine with me, since he only just turned 2 a few months ago. Then he decided that he'll try out the potty thing again. He does great if he doesn't have a diaper or a pull up and the bathroom door is open at all times. He'll just go in and go on the Elmo potty as if it was no big deal. Today we're trying something new -- underwear. Keeping my fingers crossed that it works.

I have 2 kids. X-- my outgoing, very friendly 2 year old and H-- my sweet, laid back *almost* 3 month old. It's amazing how different the two boys are. I remember 2 years ago when X was born. Being a new mom, I wasn't prepared. Don't get me wrong, X was not an accident or even a surprise. He was planned and prayed for. However, you're never prepared for being a parent. The long, sleepless nights, the full days of crying, the countless decisions you have to make: disposable diapers, cloth diapers, breastfeeding, formula, cosleeping, bedsharing, etc. All in all, I believe that whatever choice a parent makes is in the best interest of their child. It's not easy being a parent and making those choices. It feels like you're being judged, no matter which one you choose. X definitely had a preference on which parent he liked. He was a daddy's boy through and through. There was nothing I could do to change it. He cried if daddy wasn't home and it made me want to pull my hair out. However, H is completely different. He prefers mommy. I love it. He rarely cries. He's happy as long as I'm holding him or within view. I love spending every day with both my boys.

Nothing compares to being there for every trial and triumph in their lives. I love being ale to catch all of H's random little smiles and giggles. Its a gift to see the smile on X's face every time he successfully uses his Elmo potty. It's something you look forward to when you imagine having kids, but the feeling when it actually happens is amazing. It's something I never could've predicted. Parenthood is harder, yet better than I ever could've anticipated.